It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
