the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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