i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I need a burrito and a hug.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
