I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
