Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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