Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
