drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
