My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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