You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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