I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
