you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
