1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
