Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
