yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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