You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
