So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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