So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
