Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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