you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
