hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
