part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
