sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
