if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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