my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why is your signature on my underwear?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize