I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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