Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
