These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
