I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I supernannyed him into submission
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
