uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
