I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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