We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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