Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
