two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
