Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize