operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
