one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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