Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
