I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
