I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
