I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
