Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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