the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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