It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
