he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
