idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
420 ftw
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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