last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
