after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
