I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
