how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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