based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize