His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
