I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
