I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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