drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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