I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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