I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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