I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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