i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
