I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
