Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize