I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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