is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
