Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
