your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
